Evidence of Effort - A Reframe of Crappy Work
The "awareness problem" that comes from creative growth
“P. A. I. G. E.”
“That’s not how you spell ‘Paige’. I asked my dad last night and he said you spell it without an ‘I’.”
This, friends, is a core memory I have from kindergarten. Being man-splained by a fellow kindergartener that the way I spell my name was completely incorrect. In a way, ever sense I’ve known how to spell my name, I’ve been told I’m doing it wrong. Spelling of names matters to me, because it’s a karmic way to stick it to my former classmate.
Except that my brain remembers things by broad rules instead of specific details:
“‘I’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’.”
“U” always follows “q.”
“Ashley is generally ‘e.y.’ unless her mom was fancy and went ‘e.e.’ or potentially ‘i.’ or even ‘e.i.g.h.’. Always double check the spelling of that name.”
Which would explain my absolute horror when a dear friend told me I had been giving her too many “h’s” and not enough “r’s”. I was devastated - “I’m accidentally the kid from kindergarten, imposing my own spelling on Terra!”
This week, after misspelling this name for literal years, I realize that I’m more cognizant of potential mistakes of all names that end in an “ah” sound. Every time I go to talk to Sarah, I check myself. “Is it ‘A’ or ‘ah’?” And then I check again. It’s annoying (why doesn’t my brain just remember) and a time suck (why doesn’t my brain just remember?!) but I do it because even my inner 6 year old knows that a person’s name matters.
Being more cognizant of potential mistakes is a challenge that creative pursuits give us frequently:
The more you do, the more you learn. The more you learn, the more you become aware of all the stuff you’ve been doing previously that was… less than awesome.
I committed something of a “creative sin” this past week.
Instead of opening up a window and simply continuing to work on my first draft of my first novel, I (insert gasp here) read my previous work up to that point.
(For those who don’t know- it’s “generally accepted/ best practice” to write a first draft as quickly as possible. Capture the story. Don’t edit. Don’t think, just do. {We just re-watched Top Gun 2 and though I’m horrible at movie quotes, I’m pretty sure that one fits.})
In my excuse, my brain and body were both tired. I wasn’t really wanting to “work” too hard and, re-reading my own work is often a “trick” I use to hype myself: See Paige! That worked. You can create more good stuff. Go get ‘em Tiger!
But in this instance, it was the equivalent to pouring kerosene over the entire manuscript: I hated the voice of my characters, I hated the setting, I hated the tone. Why was I so caught up in this specific detail when I knew next to nothing about this entire world building situation? Who even was I to write a story set in this particular universe when I don’t even know anything about it?
It was as if, by choosing to look at the unfinished, first draft, I was subjecting myself to years of misspelling the names of loved ones: All I could see were the mess ups.
I haven’t lit a match (hypothetical or otherwise) over my unfinished manuscript, but I’d be lying to say that I didn’t actively consider scrapping it all and starting fresh.
Right now I’m kind of embarrassed about the state of that unfinished draft. But I’m doing my best to see it as the growth it is. Proof that I’m more cognizant of my previous mishaps. And most importantly, not seeing it as “evidence” of failure, but evidence of effort. I choose to see it as evidence that continuing is more important than stopping.
{Do you hear that Universe?!
This isn’t going to be the thing that stops me.
I’m going to keep going.}
Thank you for being here.
I’m working on a way to get over the hump that is an alternative to “throw away one’s entire computer and start fresh.” My plan is to post that next week. (Future self: Please put that LINK here.)
Until then: Please share any of your most “embarrassing growth” stories or the names/words you consistently misspell. Please. This post was a vulnerable one. I really need your support in the comments.
Love this piece Paige! I so agree with you that getting someone's name correct is so important to me. Usually by writing it but also in saying it. When you live a foreign country that becomes even more evident! And I can speak Spanish too. But I have friends called Claire, spelled with an 'I' and without. But because they are good friends, and I 'should' know, I haven't yet had the nerve to ask which way they spell their names and so I just avoid writing their names in whats app messages and call them chicas and lovelies instead!! We have a personal one too and my husband is named Graham, which Spanish people get right, yet English people spell it Graeme! Anyway, hope you get back to your novel without ditching it. I don't know about you, but I have so many ideas flying around from INK&FLAME, it feels like I've got ten novels on the go!!